The phrase “black sheep of the family” is well-known to us all. It is only normal for us to want to fit in and be accepted, so it may be extremely stressful when we feel different or rejected because of how we differ from other people. Observe the cyberbullying that occurs, the peer pressure to fit in, the influence that media and fashion have on society to live up to certain standards we are expected to follow. Just to stand our ground and be ourselves in the face of others can be really challenging. But, if one feels essentially unique from others in any way, certain Fears that may arise include being shunned, subjected to mockery, and experiencing inferiority or inadequacy.
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Hans Christian Andersen, a Danish poet and author, created a fairy tale called “The Ugly Duckling” in the 19th century about a small bird who is treated poorly by those around him before blossoming into a lovely swan. The narrative received a lot of praise because it echoes a concept that is prevalent in families and society at large—namely, that we are not always who others perceive us to be. We have the capacity to become more than any of us could have imagined possible within us, which is something else.
Beyond the notion that being unique carries with it the possibility of transformation, there is another lesson to be learned from the story of the Ugly Duckling Syndrome. And that is that because we are unique, we could have a better chance of rising above the commonplace. A mutation raises the risk that either an adaptation will fail or that a new variety has developed that is superior to what has gone before, just like in natural selection. Another way to describe the transforming potential of being different is to say that it stems from the psychological anguish and suffering that being different produces, which can serve as motivation and inspiration for overcoming the judgement and rejection that being different elicits in others.
Being Normal in Therapy
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As a psychotherapist, I make an effort to follow these fundamental tenets with the understanding that the creative process of self-exploration can only begin in a partnership that promotes trust and openness without condemnation or judgement. The pain of loneliness, low self-esteem, harsh self-criticism, and feelings of dejection in life and in relationships are what draw many patients to my office to seek my services. These issues are resonant with the theme of the ugly duckling, in which one feels somehow different, inferior to others, flawed, and/or incurable in fundamental ways. While dealing with patients, my aim is to assist them understand how their views are distorted with a negative bias and how they have the power to generate this bias via their experiences in life a new self-empowering story that turns constraints into potentials, self-condemnation into self-acceptance, and ugly into beautiful.
